In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
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Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure this Santa shaped chocolate oughta settle my stomach
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?