In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?

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*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course


Having a crush on someone is so exciting. You know you’ll end up ruining things like you always do, but how? The possibilities are endless.


if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night



ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?


THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise


Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.

Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”


My therapist told me I should start making my own decisions. So I stopped seeing him.


Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.


6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.


Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.