@Laser_Cat

In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?

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@FatherWithTwins

*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course

@vinnycrack

Having a crush on someone is so exciting. You know you’ll end up ruining things like you always do, but how? The possibilities are endless.

@djangogold

if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night

@UncleDuke1969

[Subway}

ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?

@ericsshadow

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise

@ddsmidt

Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.

Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”

@FreudsTwin

My therapist told me I should start making my own decisions. So I stopped seeing him.

@MissSassy_Pants

Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.

[Later]

6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.

@Tmoney68

Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.