In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
You Might Also Like
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.