@Laser_Cat

In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?

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@shutupmikeginn

Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man

@WalkingOutside

I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.

@prufrockluvsong

[first day in the army]

me: hi I like your slacks

him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants

me: ok but I also like your blouse

@SciencePorn

The best thing about the Pluto image from NASA is the silhouette of Pluto the dog right on it.

@JohnLyonTweets

If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.

@Matt_The_1st

I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN

@teenpuke

what if it doesnt want to be called hot sauce???? what if it wants to be called beautiful sauce

@Laser_Cat

They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.

@BigJDubz

STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF