In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
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my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.