In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
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[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.