In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
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What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication