In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
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glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
😭😭
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Perfect.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son