In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
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I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
The Struggle
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
phew
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts