In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
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That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life