Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise

“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?

Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.

Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”

if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain

Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?

Me: Hogwarts.

My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me

I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.

*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.

Everyone: *gasp*

Me: Just kidding you all are.

awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls

Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate

Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread

I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.

A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.

He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.

I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.

Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.

My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.

“Susan, will you marry me?”

“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”

Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.

When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?

Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?

if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world

The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.

People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.

A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.

this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.

-my 12yo complimenting dinner

[googling]

me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]

google: it won’t stop jim

me: [please google please stop porking my wife]

google: i can give her things that you can’t

me: [we have children]

google: you sure they’re yours jim?

me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god

Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.

[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.