Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.

#StarWarsDay

Psssst.

Hey you,

Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it

The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all

*In the elevator*

Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?

Me: No. We’re just friends

Guy: ….

me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket

“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team

I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.

My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.

So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.

early man: made primitive tools from stone

late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing

here we go again

One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is

My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.

I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”

If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.

when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy

Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.

It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??

I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.

Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.

choose your fighter(holiday edition)

It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.

I falcon love using swear birds

They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.

*Husband forgets to close screen on door*

*4 hrs later*

Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*

Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”

[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]

TSA agent: Good evening sir

Me: Nothing

Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.

I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.

If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house