Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.

Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants

Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.

the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine

*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive

The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.

Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.

Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage

“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”

Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.

Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?

There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.

If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.

[at a restaurant]

SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.

ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.

Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!

-Librarians arguing

High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.

Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?

Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches

Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.

I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.

I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.

[Speed dating]

HER: I’m really into astronomy

ME: the moon follows me when I drive

Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.

Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this

I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed

My kid’s school thought 15 spirit days in the month of December was a good idea and now we’re one step closer to homeschooling.

There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.

The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it

Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV