In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
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“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me
SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset
“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit
Every time I hear a Christmas Carol, I’m picturing Jesus with that look people get when they’re waiting for you to finish singing them ‘Happy Birthday’.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.