In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
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Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
“No way.” -Jose
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.