In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
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DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Me, reading some of your tweets
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Me at my 225th rodeo:
“What the hell is going on?”
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
expecting to live rent-free in my mind? good luck being homeless
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!