In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
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[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
peeping toms
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
LOL
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
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