In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
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Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
boat question
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
What is the HOA going to do about the noisy kids who keep coming in my house and demanding dinner and calling me mom
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”