In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
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My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Arrest that man!
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.