In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
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Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.