In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
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I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
rest in peas
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
