(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
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[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
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ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
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I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.