Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.

“Why’s that?”

Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.

[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.

Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.

My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured

Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?

when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face

I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.

People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly

How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?

Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.

i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest

Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words

I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.

Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once

Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.

Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.

Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?

As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.

Time flies like an arrow…

But fruit flies like a banana.

YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.

ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?

bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction

I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.

Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out

Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.

Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.

[screaming into the void]

MARCO

I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…

Bladder: better hurry up!

Back: woah, no sudden movements!

Foot: CRAMP!

Head: ouch, did we drink last night?

Neck: CRAMP!

Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!

Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…

Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.

Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.

😂😂😂

I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer

My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.