[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
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I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
dad just confused an episode of full house with a memory of our actual family and I had to be like no that wasn’t us you watched that on full house
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.