Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.

At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.

You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.

a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you

me other days of the year: amazon is evil

me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??

ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..

[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*

my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting

I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate

[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost

If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”

Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.

bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family

Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.

H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?

Me: … … … Yes.

My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.

When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.

luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker

My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm

me: the clogged sink is over here

plumber: (crawls under sink)

me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no

My goal weight is:

2020 never happened.

One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.

PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?

ME: There is no way

PAL: Why?

ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people

#polloftheday

guy: my dog just died

girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog

It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.

[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”

This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all

If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.

Me when I see someone that knows me in public..