Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[runs into old friend]

FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*

*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*

fava beans
a nice chianti
dave

St. Peter: “Spock?”

Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”

St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”

[walking into a gym]

me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories

I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭

I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher

My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.

8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion

Card reader: this is not looking good

Me: mf’er, reshuffle it

Spice up grocery lists for your partner:

Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea

Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.

HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this

HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this

My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.

Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*

Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]

I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.

To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:

Do you want something from the gas station?

chews marshmallows with bovine intensity

Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.

Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…

♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫

Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.

I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.

Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.

3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.

Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.

Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.

I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.

when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm

This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch

[Me, a famous art thief]

Art Garfunkel: Please put me down