Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”

lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-

me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!

When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.

They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.

The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.

Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?

I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.

Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.

date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel

Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.

Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?

Me: …

Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.

HER: DM me later, okay?

ME: Okay.

*later*

ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.

i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health

Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night

Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.

In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison

My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”

Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.

I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”

Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked

“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.

[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”

whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps

[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]

Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.

I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters

I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.

Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?