In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
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It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together