In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
You Might Also Like
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.