In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
You Might Also Like
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Brain: That cookie is hot.
Me: Like lava hot.
Brain: Let it cool down.
Me: Agreed.
Brain: But… it’s right there… and you’re an adult who makes poor decisions.
Me: Also true.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
[dinner party]
GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.
ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?
[everyone slowly turns their head]
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.