In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
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One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Body: it’s sleepy time.
Brain: it’s thinky time.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue