Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.

I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”

Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.

*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*

HIM: I wanna do bad things with you

ME: Like punching old ladies?

HIM: Uh, no…

ME: Stealing from the donation jar?

HIM: God, no! I mean like-

ME: Stroller tipping?

HIM: You know, never mind.

ME: Taking up two parking spaces?

HIM: Goodbye

ME: Putting habanero juice in-

son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”

I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.

Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room

Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.

Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:

– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan

I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.

I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back

[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”

Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave

(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*

Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.

Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian

“Aww, what a nice name”

It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name

“What is it?”

Theskywithdiamonds

(Writing in food journal)

me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.

In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.

So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider

Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.

Him: What long nails you have!

Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.

*dating is easy

I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.

I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them

At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.

6: What are you making? It smells terrible!

Me: *literally just boiling water*

DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?

ME: Mostly cholesterol.

If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling

This is funnier than it should be. 😂

what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings