In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
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“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.