In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
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Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
never deleting this app.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex