In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
You Might Also Like
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Cat or sheep
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.