Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.

me: hit me, daddy

poker dealer: don’t call me that

“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”

Taxidermy is invented.

(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.

Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.

The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.

Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA

There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.

[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.

If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.

I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.

“shake what ya momma gave ya!”

*starts shaking low self-esteem*

me: 11 can you come here

11: am i in trouble?

me: …no…but…should you be?

11: no.

me: sus.

imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit

Rt to bother an English speaker

Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”

Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.

some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you

Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.

There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”

Her: *5 paragraphs of text

Me: 👍

Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.

God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?

angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos

[turns to 2nd angel]

God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?

angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷‍♂️

I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.

I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.

I didn’t hit him with my car…

I massaged him with my wheels.

There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer

i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis

if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.

Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.