In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
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WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.