In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
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If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Have we checked all food to see if exploding it makes it into something better or did we just stop with corn?
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰