Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.

5: water poops dirt

me: only bodies poop

5: you said the lake is a body of water

me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own

Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.

Eat…

The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.

Get in loser we’re going crying

Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti

Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.

Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”

The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.

wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?

Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade

A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying

every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences

9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?

Me: Let me think about it

9yo: *gives me a hug*

9yo: Did that help?

Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.

Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.

The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.

Some people come into our lives only briefly

Some touch our hearts and will always be with us

And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately

Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.

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My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.

Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.

Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I onder hich one.

there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”

The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted

My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.

Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent

It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”

Like imagine if donuts could run.

Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.