Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drunk Draft Folder Contents:

“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”

My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.

I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”

Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.

I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.

wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!

wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?

woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy

also me: lady i’m doing my best

The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.

The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence

Air conditioning – not a fan

the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille

My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along

got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions

My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!

Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!

Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!

I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.

My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.

I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.

CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.

Customize Your Wedding.

In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…

They’ll be SO surprised!

Cashier: Big weekend plans?

Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.

Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?

I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause

Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?

Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.

Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.

Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.

I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.

I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time

Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…

Me: but what should I say?

Brain: ask her if she likes meat…

Me: What?

Brain: c’mon man, do it…

I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.

“Things. We did things”

Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.

God: it could be worse.

Sea Turtle: how?

God: tell him crab.

Crab: my legs are delicious.

God: [nods] his legs are delicious.

my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed

Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”