Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.

Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.

6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?

Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.

6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?

WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?

I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.

“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others

*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.

If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.

I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.

Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years

*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*

Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit

Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?

7-year-old: You got a letter!

Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.

7: Not if you throw it away.

She’s my financial planner now.

There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.

Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.

Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆

Cow Teacher:
Did you regurgitate enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then please

Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.

Canadian winters be like:

Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.

One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…

I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.

I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.

people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving

Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad

The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before

How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.

[olive garden]

HOST: when you’re here you’re family

DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes