In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
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Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Mhm.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.