Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.

if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine

i think only bears should have the right to bear arms

When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”

Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!

[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]

“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”

I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug

The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.

I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.

Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.

Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.

Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones

Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol

You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.

When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.

Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet

What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.

Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!

Trainer: You stood up.

Me: Sooo sore!!

Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.

An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings

“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”

Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.

Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.

I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still

Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!

Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.

“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store

ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL

“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”

Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”