Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.

I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.

[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing

55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans

I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.

My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.

If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.

Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman

I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke

Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]

*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.

I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.

What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?

one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails

Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.

If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.

It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.

Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.

Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.

I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.

I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.

Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.

me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”

Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.

Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.

Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do

Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss

Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving

Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target

what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid

[The next day]

Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went

George Michael: She woke me up before she went went

I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.