Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.

Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh

Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first

Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.

I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.

Him: We have made it completely idiot proof

Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that

ㅤ

I have no time for stupid people

But they sure do have time for me.

Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.

Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun

Do you smoke after sex?

Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”

Happy thanksgiving

Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.

Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!

you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink

I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.

Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.

Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago

Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.

If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?

Taco bail.

My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.

BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.

12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.

Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.

the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now

Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it

[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

[murder scene]

MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea

Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.

Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.

Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.

Things I’m leaving in 2021:

Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.

Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.

Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.