In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
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Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?
We do, now.
(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds