In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
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[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
They also CAN sing✌️
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet