In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
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Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Not today, today.
Not today.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.