In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*
7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.
None of them got out for a bathroom break.
Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
