In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Wednesday
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
