In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
#milo
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
