In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.
Police say they have several leads
#Police
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
thinking about a very short hotdog
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window
