In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
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They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
my mind
You just read my mind
Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.
