Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.

If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.

You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.

Socialising is hard.

[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]

[me to the fridge] you had one job

Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage

Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.

I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.

Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*

“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate

Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit

My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.

My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?

CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi

St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

My 7-year-old wrote this joke:

What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.

I’ve never been more proud.

Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.

I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?

Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.

My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”

when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement

I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.

Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.

Live a little.

Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.

7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”

Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”

The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space

He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?

Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.

say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls

My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.