Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.

Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?

Me: Chloroform

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch

Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat

This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.

Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN

Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.

Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.

him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?

me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose

him: that’s not what I asked

me: that is the information I have

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!

-my baby

Nature abhors a vacuum

My dog: frfr

Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”

Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”

I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.

Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.

10: When there were dinosaurs?

there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories

Gravity is just the earth being really clingy

‘I want to gossip but professionally.’

– news anchors

In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space

and they’ll shift gears to go faster.

in space.

Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?

Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.

@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers

Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.

Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?

Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.

I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.

[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER

*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*

this bar is not in space

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back