In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
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The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
rebranding
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
the worm is coming from inside the brain
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away