Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff

“No points, illegal kick to the face.”

“But I’m the hero of this movie.”

“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”

-The Karate Kid

Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.

They don’t give a fork.

hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software

“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic

So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.

‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys

instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship

When a shoelace touches your ankle

In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.

Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years

“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”

*arouses suspicion*

Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.

uncle dave has been through hell

That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.

One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator

I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.

Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …

i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.

Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”

How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*

How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree

just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”

[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy

[in bed]

gf: I thought we could experiment with toys

me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear

[game night]
date: do you have siblings?

me: *flips table*

date: so you’re the youngest

Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions

I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”

Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power

Leia: By blowing up my planet?

Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation

Leia: NOOO!!!

Happens to everyone.