Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.

Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through

Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead

My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.

WHAT DO WE WANT!?

A forum for passive aggressive behavior!

WHEN do we want it?

NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.

Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)

My dog barks for 2 reasons:

1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.

Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.

Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*

Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.

– My husband

My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?

Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain

I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”

Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.

Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.

What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.

*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl

I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”

I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.

It was a twerk-place injury.

Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵‍💫

I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.

{Commercial for Floors}

Is this you?

{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}

Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.

just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???

“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it

Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you

Me: Noice.

Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.

The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.

every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well

Greeting humans vs their dogs

To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now

Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired