In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
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I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
What to do when threatened by a bear:
1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
You don’t scare me. You’re not a trip to Costco on the weekend 10 days before Christmas.
This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water
The guy at the Christmas tree place was pretty aggressively trying to upsell me so I said ‘calm down Spruce Lee’ and oooh boy could that kid roundhouse kick
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
3 PLACES I LOVE STAYING:
1. HOME
2. OUTTA PEOPLE BUSINESS
3. IN MY OWN LANE
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it