Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*

*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*

The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.

[Facebook Marketplace]

Me: Selling this guitar amp.

Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.

Me: How does this make sense in your head?

A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.

Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.

some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]

What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.

[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket

You know where I’d like to go?
Missing

My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is

[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.

Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.

Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?

Me: Yes, I was.

Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.

Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.

[Pre-School pick up]

Wife: what did you learn today?

Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.

Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.

Daughter: snakes got no legs.

Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.

quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to

I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.

[CAVE]

BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!

DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.

I’m quitting drinking for a year.

*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.

Sorry, punctuation is everything.

I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.

*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.

me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind

I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in

There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.

Goodyear: tires

Badyear: 2020

all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period

I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.

Hashtag blessed.

I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire