In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
You Might Also Like
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale