Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks

[haunted house]

FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes

A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.

I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

“To keep their nuts dry.”

HAHAHAHA!

(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)

Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses

You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.

*reads your timeline*

Or maybe not

Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:

6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey

A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief

What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?

Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely

“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”

“Yes”

“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”

[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella

[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.

Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.

Me: And your point is…?

Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.

I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.

a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today

*putting a top hat on my dog*

Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.

*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges

Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Me: That’s when I went to Yale.

Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.

Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.

There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan

Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.

I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.

A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.