in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
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Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
My birthstone is pecan pie.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store