Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay

ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?

Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Funeral Director: Please leave sir

Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.

“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”

-an obituary

Dear Diary,

– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.

[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!

Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!

And that is how marriage works.

Lord, the restaurants you put on this earth to provide noontime sustenance are advertising $17 lunch specials

Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.

Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.

1% battery…..

Because I like to live on the

I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich

Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings

I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.

Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.

After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.

This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”

*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*

I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.

microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”

[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!

Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.

Inmate: Who got me out?

Warden: A famous celebrity.

Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?

Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.

Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!

Warden: Just go man.

[movie trailer]

IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES

*distant oinks and moo’s*

ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL

*dramatic music*

BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN

*slow piano music*

BEFORE HE HAD A FARM

*flying shot of rolling hills*

HE WAS…

*extreme close up*

YOUNG MACDONALD

[coming soon]

In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal

[invention of blue cheese]

“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?

Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.

Greeting humans vs their dogs

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1572676849058353158/pu/vid/720x1280/qIpoYrGr0Mnpgbcg.mp4?tag=12

Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.