Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical

True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.

I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.

him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?

still him: oh dude, that’s my bong

My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery

My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*

Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.

If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave

girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.

*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.

Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?

Me: Are you surprised I like kids?

Him: I’m surprised you had sex.

me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?

my brain: a hairdryer.

Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.

Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket

Cop: is that an olive in there?

My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy

Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?

[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS

God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?

Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.

Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.

*winks*

Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places

Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?

Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney

Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….

me: how was your day

5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!

People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?

I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.

Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started

To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.

I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!