Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.

The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.

sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much

The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.

I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!

Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do

frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.

Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”

Me: ”Yes!”

Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”

Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”

*walks into business conference*

*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*

*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*

My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water

I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row

Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch

Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat

Me: this movie sucks

Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!

Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.

Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.

They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣

The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.

I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.

I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent

Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do

9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”

i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions

The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.

[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it

I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house

It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…

This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like

My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex

Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.

I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*