in the 9th grade, everyone dressed up as a hero, but i didn’t. a guy i liked asked me what I was dressed as, and i said i’m dressed as your girlfriend. he skipped the next 2 days
i just want to say sorry you failed your algebra test brad but i’m still dressed as your girlfriend
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
so this horse walks into a bar
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
