[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
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Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.
Yellow duck mess, my old friend.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Science is fun!
#nottrue
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
