In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
