In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
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kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face