In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
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I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.