Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]

Board: B A L L

Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!

Board: T R E A T S

Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night

7: I want to be next to you

Me: Aww that’s so swee…

7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag

Me:

*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*

Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep

Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.

NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED

“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”

My camera roll:

I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰

next level snooze

*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it

I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.

COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.

ME: *sends resume*

COMPANY: *no response*

When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day

I’m not crazy.

I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.

Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.

I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.

You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine

Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.

I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”

It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.

[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit

Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?

Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!

I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents

3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.

evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.

So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.

I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say

If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”

Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit

I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything

ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!

ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.