In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
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Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
“Theirye’re” problem solved
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.